


Of Confusion, Unseen Scars and Baby Steps

by Burningchaos



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-09
Updated: 2008-03-09
Packaged: 2018-01-03 14:37:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1071619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Burningchaos/pseuds/Burningchaos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What we want and what we get are two entirely different things.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Of Confusion, Unseen Scars and Baby Steps

**Author's Note:**

> This is AU. This is NOT a Sheppard bashing fic,it might seem like it at first bit it isn't. I started writing it before we found out Lorne’s name. It is also mostly unbetaed, and the ending isn't a happy one, but this can be considered complete.

Of Confusion, Unseen Scars and Baby Steps  
Burningchaos  
Stargate Atlantis  
UST John Sheppard/Rodney McKay, UST Lorne/Parrish, Eventual Lorne/McKay, Carson/Laura, Pre-Zelenka/Ronon  
FRM  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Stargate Atlantis and sadly I am making no money from this. This is NOT a crossover but Graham Miller is a character from season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I liked him so he is here and I have made him a Marine, I do not own him either, sadly.

Note: This is AU. This is NOT a Sheppard bashing fic,it might seem like it at first bit it isn't. I started writing it before we found out Lorne’s name. The other 2 parts ( not the ones I have to make cause these posts are to big) are technically finished but very raw and no one has seen them. This is my fic of doom. It is also mostly unbetaed and posting at three am most likely is a bad idea but hey I am just that way. Also the title is a work in progress I am not sure I like it but hey… _Feel free to point and laugh, show mistakes or mock_

Summary: What we want and what we get are two entirely different things.

 

The longer they were in Atlantis, the more he found himself around Rodney McKay. It wasn’t a conscious choice, at first anyways. The man had skills, which he was not afraid to tell you about in the least, and that made him the perfect choice for the fourth member of John’s team. Soon, all too soon, John found himself seeking out the scientist just because he was fun to be with. John’s subconscious had been insidious and so subtle that he hadn’t even known what was happening until it was too late. God help him, he was in love with Rodney McKay.

John knew most people wouldn’t get it, hell, sometimes he didn’t. Rodney thought either you were a moron of epic proportions or he thought you were mildly less intelligent than a monkey. It was an extremely unbiased system; you were an idiot until proven otherwise. John thought he fell into the monkey category, most days.

Today, well, he wasn’t quite so sure.

John looked over at Rodney as he spoke non-stop. “Look, McKay, how many times can I say I'm sorry?” John interrupted only to have Rodney toss him the ‘I knew you were an imbecile’ look.

“What? Do you think I jumped up and down screaming ‘Hey, I'm just gagging to get shot, so shoot me!’ Because it only makes the day more fun, you know? Oh, wait, I know, next time I’ll just paint a gigantic bull's-eye on my chest and back. I'm sure you would like that.” Rodney drew in a quick, shaky breath. “But, hey, you know shooting in the general direction of the guys shooting at us? Now that would have been nice.”

John frowned, “You know, this is getting to be a habit.” He tried to erase the image of Rodney falling to the ground clutching his arm as blood spilled around his fingers.

“What, you shooting me? You know, maybe you need glasses, because you are obviously going blind. That would explain your failure to, oh, I don’t know. Not. Shoot. Me.” Rodney snorted. He was in full rant mode and John suddenly realized that Rodney never looked more fuckable than he did right now. His hands were waving about, his eyes flashing and his face flushed with anger. John hadn’t even known he liked that look until now.

“No, Rodney, I meant us arguing from one side of the gate to another. I think we're setting a record here.”

“Yes, because that is a category they, _so_ , need to add to the Guinness Book of World records this year.” Rodney started to take his gear off as he continued to speak. John watched Rodney wander off and head toward Carson. As much as he loved the man, he was happy to leave him in the good doctor’s hands.

John spotted Lorne as he too began to head toward the infirmary. Damn, he had briefing for their next off world mission right after handing in his report. Pausing in front of his 2IC, he said, “I might be late. As you can see, we had a bit of trouble.”

Lorne looked toward McKay, who was ranting to anyone who would listen, and winced. “No problem, sir.” In fact, it was great. Sheppard bumping their meeting back would give him just enough time to hit on his scientist.

“Right then, see you in two hours.” John enviously watched as his 2IC left the room in a gait just shy of running. Lucky bastard.

 

Elizabeth watched John and Rodney. Lately they had done nothing but fight. Which in itself wasn’t anything new, but lately their tones had been less sarcastic and playful and more, well, cruel. It almost seemed as if they were trying to hurt each other. It had reached the point where she had no choice but to intervene.

She watched John speaking to Major Lorne while Rodney was talking to Carson. Teyla and Ronan stood off to the side whispering quietly to one another and Elizabeth often wondered if they saw what she saw. She cleared her throat. “John, Rodney. Why don’t the two of you come to my office explain to me what happened?” Elizabeth gave the men in question a measured look, one that brooked no discussion, before speaking again. “Teyla, Ronon, why don’t you head down to the infirmary with Dr. Beckett. Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay will be joining you shortly.”

Carson frowned at Elizabeth before nodding and heading out of the gate room with the others.

“Can I safely assume you aren’t badly injured, Dr. McKay?” Elizabeth motioned them toward her office as she spoke.

“Of course I’m fine, I'm just bleeding, and, oh, look, the Colonel ruined another one of my t-shirts. Yes, I'm perfectly fine.” Rodney stalked into her office, his body practically vibrating with anger, and almost threw himself down in a chair.

“Dr. McKay, that will be quite enough.” Elizabeth whipped her head around to John, who she had caught mimicking Rodney, like a two year old, _again_. “You too, Colonel.” Elizabeth sighed. She wasn’t an idiot, and she knew exactly what the trouble was. How could she not after spending so much time with General O’Neill and Dr. Jackson? Those two fought and sniped at each other much the same way, all though she had to admit Daniel was a bit nicer. The similarities in their behavior are what made Elizabeth realize she and John would never be anything more than friends. Whether John knew it or not, he was already involved. She just couldn’t understand how he was unable to see it.

“So, exactly what happened?” Elizabeth sat down, and looked at both men who were shooting what could only be described as ‘evil, death, die’ looks toward one another.

“I shot him, alright?” John said through gritted teeth as he glared at Rodney, who had crossed his arms over his chest and sat back, frowning.

“You shot him?” Stunned, Elizabeth drew it out like a question. She hadn’t expected him to be so forth coming.

“Yes, he shot me. See? Look at the wonderful red stain on my bandage. That means this time there’s no fun personal shield involved.” Rodney fussed with his bandage until it came off and turned toward Elizabeth. “See, look!” Rodney glanced down at the sluggishly bleeding hole in his arm. His face went through varying shades of white as he gagged. “Oh, oh, um….” and ran from the room.

John stood to follow, but stopped short when Elizabeth said his name sharply. “John! I think you should sit down, we need to talk.”

She watched John sit back down, albeit reluctantly. This is where thing became sticky. “Talk about what?” John gave her the confused look he always seemed to pull out when he wanted to avoid talking. It had taken her about a week to figure it out and she had quickly become immune.

Elizabeth braced herself; this was uncharted territory for her. Yes, she was a diplomat. She had brokered treaties in several countries and now several planets. This was different. Now she was interfering in the life of a man she considered a friend. “We need to talk about your feelings for Rodney and how they are affecting your job.”

John’s head jerked back, his eyes now glued to hers. She had not seen the look he wore before. It was panic, pure unadulterated panic. It seemed strange to her. This man faced death on a daily basis. He had willing gone on a suicide mission. Yet, she had _never_ seen this look before.

“You can’t ask me about that, and I am not supposed to tell you.” John snapped back. “You have no right…”

“Yes, John, I do. Especially when it is interfering with your work and it is.” John hesitated, opened his mouth, and then closed it again. She could almost see his mind grasping for something to say.

John stood and started pacing back and forth. He dragged his hand through his hair as he continued to talk. “I thought I was handling it.”

Elizabeth stood and walked over to John. He stopped in front of her, his eyes dark and pleading. “John, you need to work this out. I don’t care what you do, or how. Just fix things between the two of you.”

John looked out the window and nodded. “Can I go now?”

“Yes,” And before she had a chance to say another word he bolted from the room.

~*~

Evan was lounging by the door to David’s lab. He had never thought the geeky scientist look was appealing, until he met Dr. David Parrish. He wished, just once, he could get the man to look at him the same way he looked at his damn plants. It had been months, during which there had been subtle and not so subtle offers. The man was oblivious. Damn, he hated this.

“Hey, Doc, whatcha looking at?” Evan watched Parrish as he spoke. He saw the other man jerk back, startled.

“Oh, Major, you really need to make more noise when you enter the room.” He held the scientist's attention for all of five seconds, because before he even finished speaking Parrish was already studying the fern-like plant in front of him. “This plant is fascinating. It is very similar to our ferns on Earth, but it seems to have healing properties. Doctor Beckett will find it quite useful.” Parrish fiddled with the dirt surrounding the plant before setting it aside and looked him directly in the eye. Evan felt his knees tremble; David was focused solely on him. Brown eyes bored into his making him lose all train of thought. “So, Major, what can I do for this afternoon?”

Evan desperately searched his mind for what he’d wanted to say and he could only hope he didn’t look like a flustered teenager confronting his first crush. “I wanted to remind you that we have a briefing for tomorrow’s mission.” David’s face went blank for a moment. He fought back a smile, Einstein had nothing on forgetfulness compared to his…no not his, compared to Parrish.

“Oh. Oh, yes, that planet with the lovely flowering cacti. Thank you for reminding me, I would have forgotten.” His face was bright and open as he eagerly spoke about the plants. It was another thing Evan liked about him; even the smallest gesture of kindness brought a please grin to his face.

“I thought that might be the case.” Lorne leaned against the doorframe. This was it. He was going to try again. He felt his stomach do a nervous dance. He hadn’t liked another man this much since before basic, hell since he decided he wanted to follow his father’s example and go career. “So, what do you say about heading down to the Rec room with me later and watching the movie of the week?” Lorne saw it, David’s eyes losing focus and darting around the room. Shot down again. Maybe the man just didn’t like him.

“I don’t know, Major. I have…” David gestured toward the plants to his left. “I, well…”

Evan interrupted. “Hey, no sweat, doc. I just thought I could pry you out to socialize for a bit.” He tried to downplay it, just in case David really knew what he was asking. He turned his wrist and checked his watch. “Shit, I have to meet Colonel Sheppard. Sorry, Doc, duty calls.” He turned and quickly left before the scientist could say another word. He knew better than get involved with someone he worked with. He also knew he hadn’t had a choice. From the moment he had started going off world with the man his fate had been sealed, or so he thought.

Sadly, he now knew that the man in question wanted nothing more than a professional relationship. It was definitely time to move on. He steeled himself for the upcoming meeting. He was a professional. He was a soldier. His feelings didn’t matter because no matter how much he wanted to avoid David, duty came first.

~*~

“I’m telling you, you’ll be fine. There is no muscle damage, Rodney. It went through the fleshy part of your arm. It’s what is called a through and through. No real damage at all. It's just painful.” Carson patted Rodney as he tried for the soothing, calm professional tone that always seemed to escape him when it came to dealing with Rodney.

“Bah, are you completely certain there aren’t any bullet fragments? Or what about possible nerve damage? Because I need the full use of my arm. Maybe I should have another x-ray.” Rodney’s more than slightly panicked tone was edging into hysteria.

“Rodney, I am telling you, you are fine. Take these, they're the good drugs, I promise, and go get some sleep.” Carson shoved the pills and water into his hands as Colonel Sheppard entered.

“Ah, Colonel, I was just going over your handiwork." Carson shook his finger at John as if he were a naughty three year old. “Now, how many times have I told you not to shoot members of your own team?”

“Oh, thank you very much, Carson!” Rodney yelled from behind the screen. “I just love how concerned you are about me. You voodoo hack!”

“Ignore him, in a few minutes he will be just fine. So hop up here and we'll get you checked over. Then you can walk Rodney to his room and make sure he rests.” Carson had used his ‘I won’t back down so don’t give me any shit’ voice. John nodded silently and did as he was told, taking deep breaths when ordered; all the while listening to the sound of Rodney muttering about the vile things he wanted to inflict on his John's person.

John didn’t want to be alone with Rodney. But Carson had demanded he keep and eye. Not to mention he was sure Elizabeth and Carson were conspiring against him. He pulled Rodney closer, again, as the man lurched drunkenly from side to side. Rodney became more mellow and sullen the longer they walked. John could only hope that was easier to deal with than pissed off Rodney. He struggled to support Rodney’s weight as he waved his hand over the lock. The doors slid open and the state of the scientist’s room staggered him. John frowned and tried to not trip over the clothes, book, papers, and various gadgets lying around.

“Geez, Rodney, this is just…” John wrinkled his nose.

“What? It’s the maid’s year off, leave me alone. I'm injured, remember?” Rodney mumbled. He pushed away from John. With ease, he stumbled his way though the tornado-like devastation, and settled on his bed.

“Yeah, but this?” John gestured toward the mess. “I don’t think…” Before he could even finish his statement, John heard a sound that was slightly reminiscent of a train wreck. Sighing heavily, John picked his way closer. He rolled the scientist onto his back and covered him up. John had to admit that hurt or not, Rodney always seemed to fall immediately asleep. He coveted that trait. Especially off world, having Rodney in the tent with him almost guaranteed he wouldn’t be sleeping.

John paused by the bed for a moment. Leaning down, he grabbed a blanket and draped it over the scientist. He couldn’t understand how this happened. Rodney was not his type at all. Not that he had a type. He was just sure a man like Rodney wasn’t it. He was also sure he had never wanted anyone this much.

Needing some distance John moved away from the bed, only to step on a pile of dirty clothes. “If I have to stay here I am not…” John shuddered. He was by no means a neat freak, but this was just disgusting. Of course, he had to fall for a slob. John wandered around, slowly picking things up.

He noticed that Rodney had at least twenty projects spread out on the floor and other available surfaces. It wasn’t surprising. To Rodney, relaxing meant working. He had to admit that Rodney was, in fact, as smart as he claimed. He didn’t think there was a single person living that could pull off the things Rodney had. Or in as little time.

By the time the floor was visible, John was too tired to try sleeping in a chair, and there was no way in hell he was sleeping on the floor. Yawning, he climbed onto the bed and settled into the remaining space. He moved closer, resting his hand on Rodney’s waist. He couldn’t resist, and he knew it was a terrible idea, but he also knew this would never happen again.

Much later John grunted as an elbow went into his side. Cracking open an eye, he let out something he hoped resembled a manly yelp. “Gah, Rodney, what the hell?” He tried to slide away from the heavy, very warm body hovering over him.

“You’re in my bed. Why are you in my bed?” Rodney was blurry-eyed and rumpled. John found his mouth going dry and wondered if there was an easy way to escape without letting on how much that look turned him on. Rodney poked a finger into his chest. “I am still mad at you for shooting me. So, why are you in my bed?”

“Um, Carson told me to watch you.” John prayed his voice sounded steadier than he thought it did. He found everything about Rodney appealing, even when the man was at his bitchiest. It was well past the realm of sad and pathetic.

“So, you’re sleeping with me? That helps how?” Rodney fell onto his back once again, “Never mind, I need coffee, get me coffee.” Rodney turned his head and opened one eye. “Am I going to have to beg? Or can we take this off the list of numerous things you are going to do to make up for the fact you put a hole in my arm?”

“Yeah, about the coffee. Carson told me you couldn’t have any.” John lied and waited for the explosion, but it didn’t come. Truthfully, Carson hadn’t said a word about not allowing Rodney coffee. John was just too tired and warm to go get it. He heard a sniffle and something about knowing where Carson sleeps as Rodney forcefully rolled over, taking all the blankets with him.

“Thanks, I’ll just cover up with my coat.” John said in the snottiest tone he could muster, only to have a snore answer him. John yanked on the blanket and managed to free some as he once again curled against Rodney’s warm back and drifted back to sleep.

Light filtered through the window as Rodney groaned. His arm was throbbing, he was hungry, and there was something dead holding him down. He raised his head and rubbed his eyes. He was hallucinating. Yeah, the lack of caffeine was getting to him. Rodney felt a hand snake up his chest and curl into his shirt. He blinked rapidly. So he wasn’t suffering from caffeine deprivation. He was in bed with John.

In. Bed. With. John.

He waited for the knowledge to sink in, and sadly the first thing that occurred to him was maybe he should let John shoot him more often just to be able to wake up like this. Except, without the drool he felt seeping into his shirt, ‘cause eeeww. Rodney wiggled in a desperate attempt to get out from under John only to have the other man move closer who would have thought? John liked to snuggle.

He knew the second the other man woke up because he felt John’s body go rigid; he could almost hear the man looking for something to say. It was up to him to diffuse the situation, as always. Rodney let out a loud, slightly pathetic groan. “Uh, could you _please_ get off me? That is, unless you want me to piss right here.”

John grimaced as he rolled off him and the bed in one single, irritatingly graceful motion and headed toward the door. He looked back as he opened the door. “That’s just sick, Rodney.”

“So, you’re bringing back breakfast, right?” John turned and glared at him before walking out.

“That’s just wonderful, and you call yourself a genius.” How the hell was he supposed to work with that man day after day? He had to get shot to get the man into his bed, all be it reluctantly. It was obvious that John didn’t want him and lately everything he did just pissed the man off more. Their friendship had degraded to a relationship of mere tolerance and an unspoken truce to stay away from one another as much as possible. That loss was keenly felt. He liked Carson and Radek, but their friendships were completely different from what he had shared with John.

John made him laugh. Not the ‘I can’t believe what an idiot you are’ laugh either. It was real laughter; something Rodney hadn’t had much of. Wincing as he stood to get dressed, Rodney decided he needed to get a life. John didn’t want him around, and it seemed their friendship had gone the way of the dodo. Besides, John wasn't the only man in Atlantis, hell, there were even women.

~*~

John hated the daily debriefing. It was boring and redundant, not to mention a total waste of time. Most of the time it was all a bunch of complaints from the science teams, mostly Kavanagh bitching about Rodney. The man really needed a new shtick. As he rubbed the back of his neck, he could still feel the warmth of Rodney’s body pressed against him and partially trapped under him. The embarrassment he’d felt earlier at being caught wrapped around Rodney like a pretzel was still fresh in his mind. Friends. They were just friends. Yeah, John, keep telling yourself that. They weren’t even that anymore. He had carefully and deliberately cultivated the distance that now separated them. It was the only safety net he had.

“Colonel Sheppard.” John flinched. Just what he needed, another pep talk about his love life from his boss. This day just kept getting better and better. John wondered if he could manage to schedule a flagellation later just for the hell of it. ‘Cause, hey, wouldn’t that just complete the morning from hell.

“That would be me. What can I do for you this morning?” John slapped a bright and totally fake smile on his face and entered the office of doom.

“Well, John, you can tell me you thought about our conversation yesterday. Because I'm hesitant to let you and Rodney continue going off world together if you can’t resolve your problems.” Elizabeth had that concerned, slightly pinched look she wore when discussing personal issues. The one that made John want to run for the hills and become a monk, because when she wore that look… John shuddered. Why the hell did she have to decide to play matchmaker? He was happy with his little world of denial he lived in. It was nice there and the people liked him.

John sat down casually and crossed his arms over his chest. “Well, to tell the truth I was a little busy last night.” Elizabeth raised her eyebrow and gave him a slight almost hopeful grin. “Not like that!” John blurted out defensively. “Beckett had me watching over Rodney last night, since it was my fault.” John’s voice lowered to the petulant two-year old range.

“Ah.” Elizabeth nodded and John felt his face flush. Damn that woman and her meddling ways. “Just fix this John, before I have to step in.”

“Fine, I’ll fix it. Just so you know, fixing things doesn’t always make them better.” John watched Elizabeth’s eyes widen with sock as he spoke. “Sometimes, it makes things worse.” He watched Elizabeth’s face go pale and took a small sick sense of satisfaction out of that fact. She had backed him into a corner; she was forcing him to act. The fall out could be laid at her feet.

John stalked out of the room intent on ending this now. No mater how much he loved, and love was the right word, Rodney they could _never_ be together. Atlantis was too important to him, and if he…well he didn’t want to lose her, so if it came down to choosing between Rodney and Atlantis, Atlantis would always win.

~*~

Rodney slid down the wall of the balcony he’d decided to hide on. The floor was cool as was the wall against his back. The night air was chilled and the stars were almost nonexistent, which completely suited his mood. Depression wasn’t his thing, sure he could bitch, he could moan and sulk but he didn’t believe in walking around like the world was ending, if it wasn’t literately and sadly today wasn’t so he didn’t have a real excuse.

He’d snagged Zelenka’s last bottle of bootleg and had fully intended to get slather assed drunk but it seemed that wasn’t part of his nature either. It was a damn shame Carson hadn’t given him the good drugs again today. He wasn’t going off world again until he’d been assigned to a new team, if he decided to go off world again at all.

It wasn’t as if he really had to anymore. There were more scientists qualified to go off world now than ever before and truthfully he was of more use here in Atlantis. Although there was a part of him, a part that would never, ever say this aloud, that would miss going off world.

Seriously, all he wanted to do was find something that would drive his and Sheppard’s conversation from his head for the next ten thousand years or so. Rodney closed his eyes and sighed he couldn’t help reviewing it over and over in his mind. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have fifty million things to do but somehow none of them seemed to be working. Rodney looked out at toward the ocean, the small amount of moonlight played across the gently lapping waves making it look as if were silk instead of the water he knew it was.

Rodney looked at the mostly full bottle resting next to his leg, picked it up and defiantly took another swallow of the amber colored liquor. He winced as it burned it’s way down to all the way down to his already upset stomach. He hated this, he _knew_ letting John get to him was a bad idea. He had _known_ it from the start but had been helpless to advert it. God he was such and idiot despite all his genius.

The balcony door slid open spilling light out across the floor and part of the railing. Rodney slid even deeper into the shadows. He didn’t want to be seen because than he would have to explain why he was sitting in that dark and why he was drinking. Rodney held his breath for a moment wondering who it was. He watched Lorne step out, the light haloing him for a moment before the door shut, and bit back a sigh of relief. The major took a few steps toward the railing before he grabbed it and rested his head against the railing. Rodney watched the other man in silence for several moments before deciding that Major looked as terrible as he did, which was saying a lot.

He and Lorne had never really hit it off. The few times they had worked together had been tense and decidedly uncomfortable. Rodney briefly wondered what to do but the old adage ‘Misery Loves Company’ seemed to be the quote for the hour. Sliding out of the shadows Rodney tried not to startle Lorne, after all the man did carry his weapon around three-fourths of the time and being shot again wasn’t high on his agenda. The bottle Rodney held scarped across the metal of the balcony. Rodney winced as Lorne jumped and quickly turned around.

“Oh, Doctor McKay, I didn’t know you were out here.” Lorne seemed as if he were folding into himself as he spoke. His voice was the quietest Rodney had ever heard it. “I’ll just…” he made a gesture toward the door and started toward it before finishing his sentence.

Rodney stood and held out his bottle. “You look like you could use a drink too.” Lorne looked at him, hesitating for a moment before stepping closer to him.

“Yeah, I could.” He took the offered bottle and took a drink. He chocked back a cough before wiping off his mouth and handing Rodney back the bottle. “That could strip the rust off a nail.”

Rodney laughed, he couldn’t help it. Lorne’s eyes were watering and his expression was still twisted for the taste of the swill Zelenka passed off as alcohol. “Yeah, but it does the job.”

Lorne snorted. “It does, I just wish I would have thought of it myself.” Rodney hesitated but he had always been told to never drink alone, not that he was doing much drinking. He was to busy wallowing in depression and self-pity.

“Feel free to hold up the wall with me.” Rodney gestured toward his corner. “I have enough to share.” He shook the bottle and sat back down in his spot.

“I can do that.” Lorne slid down the wall next to him. For several minutes, they passed the bottle back and forth in silence. It was nice not having to talk, or listening to someone trying to cheer you up while offering platitudes and false comfort.

“You aren’t on duty tomorrow?” Rodney hated to break the quite but he didn’t want to have to worry about fucking up someone else’s life too.

“Nope.” Lorne sighed as he let his head fall back against the wall. “I’m not going off world until I find another scientist.”

Laughter spilled out. Wonderful irony. “I’m stuck here too. First my arm, courtesy of the colonel and second I have been removed for my team as of…” Rodney looked at his watch. “Three hours ago.” White hot pain lanced through him. It chased away what was left of his will power and he downed another drink to stave it off. He didn’t consider himself weak. He just needed to escape and they were in a city in the middle of the ocean. There was no escape.

“Shepard made up his mind huh?” The sympathy on Lorne’s face was almost too much to take.

“What?? Did everyone know?” Rodney dropped his head to his knees. How was he supposed to go through his normal routine if everyone knew? This was a completely new level of embarrassment.

Evan winced, he couldn’t believe he’d said that aloud. “Ah…” His mind raced for anything to say and when he found noting but the truth, he sighed. “No, just to someone who is in a similar situation.” He leaned his head back against the cool wall and closed his eyes.

“Parrish?” Rodney already knew the answer. He wasn’t as oblivious as everyone seemed to think. He’d seen the way the major looked at the botanist. He also knew that Parrish was repressed, uptight and virtually a monk. Lorne had never really stood a chance.

“Yeah.” Lorne’s was soft, so soft Rodney had barely heard him. Rodney knew there wasn’t anything he could say so he offered Lorne his bottle again. “Thanks, Doc. Aren’t we just the pair?”

The sardonic laugh that escaped his mouth seemed so unlike the man, but than Rodney barely knew him. It was time to remedy that. “We are drinking together; I think that entitles you to call me by my name.”

“Rodney, ok.” Lorne wiped his mouth off after taking a swallow from the bottle. The liquid warmth spreading through him was false but he didn’t care. “Do you even know what my first name is?”

Rodney frowned for a moment. “Well, Major, until now it hadn’t mattered, so no.” Lorne’s laughter rang out though the silence. It was so unexpected that Rodney couldn’t help but smile.

“Fair enough.” Lorne moved so he was looking directly Rodney in the eye. “Hello, my name is Evan Lorne. What’s yours?” He held out his hand and waited. Rodney shook his head, a wry smile flashed across his face before he reached out.

“I’m Rodney McKay.” It seemed the major had a sense of humor too.

“Sweet, now let’s finish this bottle.”

~*~

John looked at his clock, switched it off before it went off and stretched. He dragged a hand across his face and cursed the fact he hadn’t slept well. Standing he started the full body stretch that popped his shoulder and several vertebrae. Every morning it seemed there were new joints cracking, popping or muscles screaming in protest over the work out he’d given them the day before. He wasn’t even forty. John yawned his way to the shower, ducking his head under the nearly too hot stream that was quickly washing away his tiredness.

Without a thought, John braced his left arm against the shower wall and reached down with his right to complete his morning ritual. John closed his eyes as he gripped himself tightly. He’d barely begun when Rodney’s face wove its way through his mind. “Fuck!” John slammed his fist against the shower wall. He didn’t need this. He’d made a choice, the only choice as far as he was concerned.

Except he couldn’t chase the shaking hands, the too pale face or the blue eyes that could rip your heart out from his mind. He would though. John nodded to himself grimly, he would.

 

Teyla was kicking his ass. Some days he held his own but today was not one of those days. John wiped the sweat from his eyes and slowly picked himself up off the floor.

“You are not focusing.” Teyla walked off the mat. She was unsettled. Atlantis was not a place where secrets could be kept and last night as she went to replenish her stock of tea she had heard about the fight her friends had had.

She knew that Doctor McKay had feelings for John and she had been more than convinced they were mutual. But now, she was confused. She had lived with these people for over three years and still found so many of their ways excessive and puerile. Often she didn’t think she would ever fully understand them, and sometimes she didn’t want too.

“I think we are finished for the day.” Teyla put her sticks away and reached for a towel to dry off. “Your mind is too distracted and I do not wish to hurt you.”

John nodded as he headed over toward the bench too. He wanted to argue with her, he wanted too, but he didn’t. Teyla was right he couldn’t focus not with his mind playing his confrontation with Rodney on repeat. “Yeah, I have some paperwork I need to finish before my meeting with Elizabeth anyways.”

Teyla watched him carefully for a moment. “It is true that Doctor McKay will no longer be going through the gate with us?” John flinched as she spoke and his darkening expression had her worried.

“Yeah.” John sought for an excuse and quickly found one. “After the other day McKay said he didn’t want to go off world any longer.” That sounded so much better in his head.

“Ah.” John hated it when she did that. Teyla was hard to read. She oozed tranquility and calm. He suspected ‘ah’ was a cop out, her favorite way to freak you out when she had no idea what to say. But every time Teyla said it there was a different tone, a subtle inflection that wasn’t there before. He’d met frustrating women before but there were moments and entire days where Teyla was firmly encased in the number one position. Like now.

“Doctor McKay is an asset to our team are you sure it is wise to let him leave so easily? Is there nothing you can do to convince him to stay?” Teyla kept her smile easy, but she watched John’s face contort than quickly slide into his usual mask of indifference before he turned his back on her. His eyes always betrayed him though. She saw a mired of emotions swirling in them and she knew she did not like it.

John turned away from her, anger strumming through him directed at her, McKay and himself. “Look, I’m not going to chase McKay around Atlantis and try to change his mind.” He closed his eyes. “There are half a dozen officers and scientist that are just as qualified.” He turned back toward her and offered her ‘the’ smile.

“I do not believe there is anyone who can claim to be as qualified as Doctor McKay. He has proved that many times. I, for one, find his presence comforting. But as you say, it is ‘his’ choice.” Teyla emphasized the word his, because she was confidant that it was not the doctor’s choice. She step forward, grasped John’s arms and waited for him to bend down, their foreheads met briefly before she stepped back. She turned and left the room without another word. There was little she could do, but she could let the doctor know she was above all else still his friend. No matter the situation.

John watched Teyla walk away and he knew that he had somehow lost a skirmish that he hadn’t known he was fighting. He’d lied to Teyla and she has practically called him on it. This was going to come back later and bite him in the ass. He just knew it. He looked down at his watch and frowned, he was fucked. He hadn’t even been up two hours. John grabbed his bag and tossed it over his shoulder he had a meeting with Elizabeth and if Teyla knew than Elizabeth knew. Yep, he was fucked.

If John had been a man of faith, he would have fallen to his knees and called out to god for mercy.

John walked up the stairs to Elizabeth’s office with an easy albeit fake smile on his face. Inside he felt as if this were his death row walk. There were two voices warring in his mind, one laying this all on her head for meddling and the other laying this squarely at his feet. He hated both of them with a viciousness that surprised him. He wanted nothing more than to carve them out of his mind.

He paused in the doorway of Elizabeth’s office. She was bent over her desk with a frown marring her beautiful face as she scratched something across the papers on her desk. For a moment the voice that said this was all her fault screamed its rage through out his mind. She was his friend, but right now he didn’t even like her. Realistically, he knew that things would have eventually come to a head with Rodney, but in its own time.

“You look well. Did Teyla take it easy on you this morning?” She kept her tone light and friendly but she already knew what had happened. There was a sick oily ball of guilt settling in her stomach. The situation between John and Rodney had gone from bad to nuclear in less time than it took to open the gate. It was her fault, she should have never pushed, but at the she time she’d needed too.

“Yeah, well…” John walked over and grabbed a cup of coffee and took a sip to forgo answering the question. Avoidance was an art form he planned to perfect in this lifetime. “So what is on the agenda this morning?”

Elizabeth sighed heavily while she shifted a few papers around. “Doctor Parrish has requested that he either be transferred to another team or he be allowed to stay in the city, which is not an option. It seems he is too uncomfortable with Major Lorne to continue working with him.”

John froze. “Lorne? He doesn’t want to work with Lorne?” Shaking his head in amazement despite the absurdity of the situation, he had an out. But Lorne was his guy, and he wanted to know why. “What the hell does that mean? Lorne is a professional, he respects the scientists what kind of problem could Parrish have?”

“It seems…” Elizabeth cleared her throat well searching for the right words. “It seems Doctor Parrish feels that the major is paying him an unsolicited amount of attention and he finds it discomforting.”

“An unsolicited amount of attention?” John leaned back in his chair, well that was a delicate turn of phrase. “Is he planning on making a formal complaint?” There was no way he would let that happen anyways, but still.

“Thankfully not.” Elizabeth gave him a sad smile. “I spoke with Major Lorne last night before he went off duty. And before you say anything I know it is your job but given the subject matter I made a judgment call and thought it would save us some trouble later on.”

“No, no it was a good idea. Thanks.” John was more than a little relived; the mere thought of having to broach the subject with the other man was disconcerting.

“Good, do you want to know what was said or would you prefer…”

“No, not really. It was a misunderstand, right, I don’t have to worry about one of my men…” John trailed off as he searched for the right turn of phrase.

“It was, Major Lorne was very upset. He…well, he was flirting.”

“Oh. All right than. I think I have a solution. I’ll take Parrish and Lorne can take McKay.”

Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed. “John…”

“Look, you told me to take care of it, so I took care of it. McKay is off my team and you may be in charge but the teams are my concern. So he is off.” John felt his body trembling with fury as he tried not to yell. “Parrish wants off of Lorne’s team and I want McKay off mine. Simple as that.”

“John, I don’t think this is the answer. I know…”

“No, it is the answer.” John stood up and walked toward the door. He didn’t want to do this. Not now, not ever. “It is ‘my’ answer. And believe me, Elizabeth, you don’t know. Rodney is off my team.” John looked back at her for a moment. “Are we finished?”

“Yes.” John walked out the door before the word had finished leaving her mouth. Now what was she supposed to do? Leadership and friendship did not go hand in hand. She knew she care about her people more than she should. She knew that. But there wasn’t away around it for her. She was an emotional person, but she was learning how to separate the two. It was a hard rough road and she frequently stumbled, like now, but she was learning.

Grabbing her coffee cup Elizabeth drained it and headed out the door. She was going to leave this alone and not step in unless there were no other choice. That didn’t mean she couldn’t talk about it.

 

“If I believed in God I think right now I might be begging for mercy.” Rodney moaned pitifully. He clutched his coffee as a drowning man clutched a life preserver, which it was. That small cup was all that stood between him and insanity. He hadn’t drunk like that in years and his body was certainly letting him know it was not the least bit thrilled with his antics.

Evan grinned at him cheerfully. “Hey, it’s not that bad.” It was official he was the most irritating man ever. The major was sitting across from him eating scrambled eggs and ack…food and his stomach were not meeting anytime soon.

“I hate you.” Rodney closed his eyes and took another sip of coffee.

Laughing Evan patted Rodney on the shoulder. “Sure you do.”

“No, really. As soon as the headache from hell s over I am going to make you weep like a little girl for this. One bottle was fine, but it was ‘your’ idea to go filch the bottle Carson’s desk. Do you know what he will do to us?” Rodney shuddered dramatically. “There will be needles involved. Big ones. And it is your fault.”

“Mine?” Evan’s smile covered his face. He was enjoying himself. He knew that if anything had gone differently last night he would have been sulking in his room, which at some point he was pretty sure would still happen, instead of this. It would have been his loss too. It had taken an evening of drunken bonding, and he would never use though words in the same sentence in front of the good Doctor, but he had discovered Rodney was funny, not in the bust your gut joking way, but in a dry wit covered with sarcasm sharp enough to cut yourself on way. “Excuse me? Who picked the lock? Cause I know it wasn’t me.”

Rodney glared at him. “You wanted to shoot the door.”

“Well, it was in the way.” Evan shrugged cheerfully. “Besides, you wouldn’t have let me anyways.”

A large, loud group of marines entered the lunchroom causing Rodney to moan pitifully while clutching his head. He was _never_ going to drink again.

Evan reached over and patted Rodney on the arm. It did little to comfort the other man, but hangovers had never been his thing. He probably should have warned him about that before their excursion to acquire more sustenance. “Ah, Rodney.” Evan felt his breath freeze in his chest. Colonel Sheppard was staring at him. Or more specifically his hand resting on Rodney. A quick glance down reassured him that Sheppard wasn’t armed, not that mattered because his CO still looked like murder was the only thing he’d enter the mess for.

“What.”

“Um, Sheppard just walked in.” He hated the way his friend, and after last night’s heroics and manly spilling of the emotions he did consider Rodney his friend, stiffened.

Blurry, slightly blood shot eyes opened. “And I care why?” Rodney already hurt, mind, body and soul. He wouldn’t guarantee it but he was fairly sure there wasn’t much else the colonel could do to hurt him. Other than sending him home that is and Rodney wouldn’t let that happen with out a hell of a fight that included massive amounts of bodily harm. Not his either.

An inappropriate chuckle exploded from his chest at Rodney’s statement. “I know you don’t, but he looks…” Evan searched for the right words.

“I could careless what he looks like. Personally, I hope he looks like he’d…no, you know what I am more mature than that. I refuse to degrade myself by going in to great detail about every misfortune I hope he comes across from now until the end of time.” For a rant it fell a bit short but he was hung over and damn if the fact he couldn’t think of anything seriously scathing to say wasn’t just pissing him off all the more.

“Ah…Rodney..” Fuck, Sheppard was standing right behind the other man. Glaring at is back in such a manner that made you happy he wasn’t a mutant with laser beams for eyes.

Furry race it’s way through him, Lorne was touching Rodney. His Rodney. John took a deep breath, no, not his Rodney. Not anymore. “Gee, McKay, it’s nice to know how much you care. And Major, I don’t think you want another person misconstruing your overtures of friendship for something else, do you?” He smiled coldly at the respective stiffing spine and horrified expression.

“Sir, I hardly think this…”

“Shut up.”

Lorne stood up and immediately snapped to attention. “Yes, Sir!” He spit the words out with as much venom as he could mange.

“McKay, since you and the Major are getting on so well I am reassigning you to his team. Major, as soon as Carson has cleared McKay for duty your team will be placed back on the gate rotation.” There were times like these when John was viciously glad he was in charge. “Clear?”

“Yes, Sir!” Lorne had never wanted to hit his CO before but right now every nerve in is body was screaming for him to lunge across the space separating them and just do it, consequences be dammed. He could feel himself spiraling out of control. Just when he thought he would snap Rodney stepped in.

“Thank you so much, Colonel.” Rodney stood as he spoke. “I assure you that both Major Lorne and I are relived to know about the changes in the team roster. Personally, I don’t think I could have made it through the day without the knowledge.” Rage had shaken the remnants of his hang over away leaving his mind clear and focused. “Although I do believe we had meeting scheduled with Elizabeth later, at least that is what you said last night in the hallway. Since we are no longer friends or team mates I feel it is inappropriate to approach me in my downtime.” John opened his mouth and Rodney bulldozed over his attempt. “In fact, if you want to speak to me at all I think sending me a memo and making an appointment is the best way to go.”

“McKay…”John growled and once again Rodney over powered him vocally.

“I believe we are finished here. Now unless you have something else to say to me or Evan, we would like to finish our meal in peace.”

Evan was struggling not to grin as Rodney berated the Colonel right up to the moment the other man called him by his first name. The second his name had left Rodney’s lips Sheppard’s face turned six different shades of red. Even Rodney stopped speaking when he noticed.

John froze when Lorne’s first name tumbled out of Rodney’s mouth. Evan, he called him Evan. When/How/Where did that happen? In seconds, those three thoughts bounced through every corridor of his mind. “Right, yes…Of course.” He was off his stride, embarrassment, anger, jealousy were stampeding over him like a herd of wild horses. He shook his head in a futile attempt to regain control.

Worry trickled through Rodney; it wasn’t something he’d expected to feel for John anytime soon. Yet there it was. Rodney tentatively stepped closer to John. He raised his hand slowly but John stepped back before he could touch him.

“Obliviously the meeting has been canceled.” John glared at Lorne before turning and leaving.

Rodney sat back down; his head was pounding with confusion and worry. He didn’t know what to do, he was still royally pissed off at John, but he still cared about him to. It wasn’t as if that could be turned off.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” Evan had laid a hand on his shoulder. “I need to shoot something and if you haven’t figured out the joys of target practice as a form of anger management now is as good a time as any.” Rodney stood and followed his friend from the mess. He could feel all the eyes in the room watching him and marking their every step. In less than two hours the rumor mill would have fresh fodder and their names would be on every ones lips.

John calmly walked to his room. No one would have known he was seething inside that his anger poured through his veins/body/mind/soul like molten lava. He was jealous. Jealous.

“Fuck!” John screamed into his empty room as soon as the door shut. He turned and slammed his fist into the wall, when that didn’t work he did it again and again till he felt something in his hand snap. “Fuck!” Pain washed over him chasing away the last vestige of rage. John cradled his bleeding hand and winced as he tried to move his fingers. Carson was going to kill him.

He was so fucked up, it hadn’t even been twenty-four hours and he was falling apart. John corrected himself. No, he’d been falling apart for a long time. He wasn’t stupid enough to deny it. But avoidance and denial were two different things. He was better at avoidance but Rodney wasn’t someone you could put in a little box and label ‘look at later’. Rodney was in his face everyday pushing him, making him feel things he wanted and didn’t want all at the same time. Rodney was anything but easy, and Rodney would never ask for more. John also knew that if they’d become involved he would have never been able to hold himself back. He didn’t have what Rodney wanted, and what he did have he couldn’t give the other man. He was an ass for even entertaining the idea of it.

Now he had another issue, and god was he an idiot. Of course he would see Rodney everyday even if he removed him from the team, but he figured he become used to it. But seeing Rodney sitting and laughing with someone else only a day later.

John fell back against the wall and slumped to the floor. He could do this. He wanted his career, which in itself was an irony because he’d been ready to leave so many times before he came here he couldn’t even count them on two hands. This was Atlantis. She was his home and he refused to do anything that might force him to leave. Anything.

John head fell back against the wall with an audible thump. He could do this, he could.  


Everyone knew Parrish and McKay had swapped teams, everyone knew about the blow up in the mess, and everyone thought they knew exactly why it all happened. You couldn’t find two people together who didn’t bring it up to speculate on it at least once during their conversations.

“Look, I don’t think we need to get involved in this.” Laura Cadman never thought she would be the voice of reason in a situation like this. She was a busy body and she wasn’t ashamed to admit it. But this…they had no right to get in the middle of this. Her chore was to convince the men of that, well hers and Teyla’s. She completely understood their desire to fuck someone up, it was Rodney. Her Rodney. Kinda. Since her little sojourn in his body she felt it was her duty, make that right to protect him. She took that duty seriously despite the fact he hated it.

Carson and Radek mumbled something noncommittal whereas Ronon voiced his opinion loudly. “I don’t like Parrish. I want McKay back, never thought I would say that. Sheppard is miserable and…” Ronon crossed his arms leaned back against the counter before continuing. “I’m going to shoot him.”

“I agree with Laura.” Teyla’s voice was steady and calm. “We have no right, what they are experiencing is very personal and none of them will welcome our interference. Although, I do agree with Ronon too: Parrish is…difficult and John…” Teyla paused for a moment. “I am enjoying our work outs more than usual.” There was a small smirk dancing around the corners of her mouth and Laura burst out laughing.

“Aye, I dinna like this at all either but I see no good coming from us meddling.” Carson frowned. Rodney had been in several times thins week, his blood sugar was down, his blood pressure was up, and there was no way he was going to be cleared to go through the gate on schedule.

Radek muttered something in Czech under his breath before speaking aloud. He hated this. His friend was in pain and he knew there was nothing he could do. He knew what he wanted to do. Rodney wasn’t the only person who could be creative with Atlantis’ sensors. “Rodney is a mess. He makes common mistakes, ones that a child could catch. This is not good. Sheppard, eh, he made Rodney smile once but no longer. Now, there is just frowning and cursing. The Major comes around everyday now. He is worried too, but he is also sad. Parrish is an idiot. They smile sometimes when they are together. It is not good yet but it will be.”

“Wait, you mean Rodney and Lorne?” Laura was stunned and from the looks on everyone but Teyla’s face, they were too.

“Yes, a blind man could see they would make a good match. Better than their other choice anyways.” Radek turned and looked at Ronon. “Many can’t see what is right in front of them. Others see and are too stupid to take a chance. Some throw their chance away only to find something better. I don’t like it either but they must do this alone.”

Laura stood up cheerfully. So much for having to spend hours convincing everyone to see she was right. “Alright I hate to break up this party but I have the night off, and I am hoping for a little, ok, a lot of action.” She grinned wickedly in Carson’s direction. “So, sexy, wanna get lucky?”

Laughter spilled through the room as Carson blushed. “Oh, I dinna think I can refuse an offer like that.” He walked over, offered Laura his arm and than lead her from the room.

Ronon didn’t move from his spot as the others started to leave. He watched Radek and thought about what the smaller man had said. “Why did you look at me when you spoke?” The scientist jumped a bit at the sound of his voice and he couldn’t help but smirk a little.

Radek looked at him for a moment, shook his head and sighed. “It is so sad. If I must tell you than there is no point. Think, you will see and than find me.” Ronon was frustrating him, he’d done everything but jump the larger man in public. He still had hope though, not much but some.

~*~

The klaxons burst through the semi-silent hall startling Rodney and the others around him. Rodney turned around quickly and rushed to the gate room just as John, Ronon, Teyla and a filthy, limping Parrish walked through the gate. He watched his former team with a heavy heart, but at the same time relished the fact that John was loudly ripping Parrish a new hole.

A small smile of satisfaction crossed his face but as he turned to leave John looked at up at him. For a moment John looked as if he were going to smile, but it quickly passed and the hard, cold look he that covered his face instead had Rodney stumbling backwards to escape.

Rodney was tired of the pitying looks and whispers. He desperately wanted something else to happen, anything that didn’t involve him and the others in this farce. John going at it with Parrish, as pleasing as it was would only add fuel to the fire. Shaking his head, Rodney turned back to his task, he had a power fluctuation to track down.

“Look, John, you switched Parrish onto you team and now you need to work with him.” John slouched sullenly in his chair. Elizabeth sat behind her desk looking serene, Teyla must be giving her lessons.

He snorted softly and shook his head. “The man is incompetent; he shouldn’t be out in the field let alone out of the city. How the hell did he get here?”

“Believe me John, I would have preferred someone else too but Parrish is the best, and most competent in his field. We were lucky he even considered this.” Elizabeth took a deep breath. Some days, like today, being a diplomat wasn’t easy. John and Rodney once been a well-oiled machine, their personal issues had hovered precariously over them like a guillotine but she should have left it alone. Now she was placating a scientist, a marine, her military commander, and all their friends. What he really wanted to do was put them in time out; tell them to suck it up and to grow up. But she couldn’t.

“He is the best in his field? Well that doesn’t say much does it?” John stood up in exasperation. “I wish to hell you had left this alone.” John turned to look at Elizabeth. He was so fucking tired, he ducked his head and dragged a hand through his hair. “I would have muddled through, I would have.” John didn’t know who he was trying to convince, her or himself.

John’s face and eyes hid nothing, standing quickly she went to her friends side. “Oh, John…” She laid her hand on his arm but he shook it off.

“No.” John stepped toward the door. “You can’t just slip into friend mode when it suits you.” He watched her face fall and knew he’d hurt her. It wasn’t something he wanted to do, but the decision he’d made was hurting everyone, including himself.

~*~

The sent of gun oil filled his nose. Field strip, bore, patch, wet patch, degreaser, he could do this in his sleep. It was soothing and Evan had always found it helped clear his mind.

Right now, he needed that. So much had happened in the past week; it hadn’t been one of those physically taxing weeks; he could’ve handle that. Give him the tension and nerves that came with a firefight, going off world anything but the emotional roller coaster that he was on. Not to mention the tension involved with his men.

Many didn’t care, the men stationed here were all surprisingly liberal, and the ones who weren’t more often than not knew to keep their mouths shut. He’d been questioned extensively about his views on homosexuality. It had made him decidedly uncomfortable at first, but he had understood they weren’t asking. The expedition had an ever-increasing contingent of scientists, who were not bound by DADA. Everyone had been screened in much the same way, sure a few potential assholes like Miller slipped through, but for the most part no one cared. Although he did have to admit he wasn’t sure If Miller’s attitude had to do with his sexual orientation or it was just the fact he would have to deal with Rodney more frequently. He sincerely hoped it was the later.

Parrish hadn’t spoken to him since this started. What bothered him the most was the fact that had never Parrish mentioned he was uncomfortable or uninterested, and it wasn’t as if Evan had given into the urge to shove the other man against the wall and kiss him senseless. He had been a perfect gentleman. Now on top of that Sheppard was pissed at him, hell the man was going out of his way to make life miserable too. So far the only perk of this was getting to know Rodney, which was something he had never, ever seen himself doing.

But he was, and he liked it. Seeing Rodney was by far becoming the highlight of his afternoons. No one had ever made him laugh quite the way the scientist did. His running commentaries on the idiocy of three-fourths of the expedition never failed to make him laugh. If it hadn’t been for his burgeoning friendship, Evan was more than convinced he would be sulking and well…behaving like Sheppard.

He wiped the barrel down before putting his side arm away. He’d worked out some frustration earlier while sparring with Teyla and now he had worked his way through some of his mental clutter. But it also showed him that he had a bigger issue. Sometimes he would catch Sheppard watching him and Rodney at lunch, mostly when Rodney laughed and he felt sorry for the man, only sometimes. He hated the pinched, pale look on Rodney’s face. He’d had issues with C.O’s before but they had never been this personal. That was what made him see the real issue. It was the feeling that made him realized he was developing a crush on his new friend.

~*~

Rodney winced as Carson ripped the blood pressure cuff of his arm and grinned. “Well, you are cleared for duty.” Carson shook his head. “Bloody amazing.”

“I passed?”

“Aye, you did and I don’t know how because after I checked you yesterday I would have never thought so.” Carson had already wandered away from him and was putting away his equipment. “I’ll let Elizabeth know.”

“Thanks.” Rodney didn’t know what to say. He loved going off world, the need for change and adventure was something he would have never seen himself becoming addicted too, but it was also more than that. The chance to put his mind and skills to the test, to pit himself against an unknown factor and triumph was heady. He could have done without out the often-looming issue of death but nonetheless he loved it. But going through the gate with someone other than John was unfamiliar.

He trusted Evan, but he had also trusted John too. His first trip through the gate was with John, he’d barely known the man yet his presence had dissipated the majority oh his nervousness. He knew his team, John’s team. They’d had a rhythm, it had fluxed when Ronon took Ford’s place but it had smoothed out. Now he would have to find that all over again.

“Rodney? Are ya alright, man?” Carson was looking at him, his face masked with worry.

“I’m fine.” Rodney stood and straightened his shirt. “I’m fine.” Carson was his friend, but he was also John’s friend. Mucking his way through this was like a fucking divorce.

“You know I am still your friend too.” Carson watched him carefully.

“Yeah, I know.” Rodney smiled at him. “Thanks.” He headed out the door as quickly as he could without it looking like he was running away. Unfortunately, he crashed right into John.

Limbs tangled they tipped sideways and hit the wall. “Aw, fuck, McKay.” John sounded just like he used to, before, and with that thought was the knowledge that he was now dividing his life into two segments. With John, and without.

John had twisted as they fell and Rodney ended up pinned between John and the wall. Rodney felt his lungs burning, but he couldn’t breathe. John moved back but not enough; he leaned an arm against the wall and looked down. Rodney’s mouth went dry as John ran his tongue across his lips. “No.” Rodney put his hands on John’s chest and pushed him back.

“This is unbelievable.” Rodney stepped away from the wall and shoved John backwards again.

John’s eye’s narrowed dangerously. “You’d better not do that again.”

“You…” Rodney sputtered…“You kick me off the team, tell me to fuck off and now…” Rodney shook his head; he was at a complete loss. He threw his hands up in the air and started to walk away.

John shook of his stupor, falling against Rodney had turned his mind to molasses. He hadn’t even thought about what he was doing. “Wait…McKay…”

“Not a chance.” Rodney didn’t even turn around as he yelled back.

“Fuck!” Instinctively John started to curl his hand into a fist but the pain cut him off. His hand, his most likely broken hand, he hadn’t seen Carson about yet. The same hand he had been babying for a week now so he wouldn’t have to explain how he hurt it. John closed his eyes and struggled to calm down. He muttered another expletive.

“Colonel?” John winced mentally.

“Hey, Doc.” John lifted his hand so Carson could see it. “I think I might have broken something.”

Carson frowned and shook his head. “Aye, son, I think you did.”

~*~

Sergeant Graham Miller hadn’t spent much time around Doctor McKay and with all that he had heard about the man, he considered himself truly fortunate. But since the ‘incident’ and the lovely conversation he’d had with Lorne, he’d watched the man more and what he’d seen and heard didn’t mesh. In fact, the man that was geared up next to him, the Major and Cadman was nothing like he’d expected.

Graham watched McKay check his weapons, ammo, boots and the rest of his gear before finally putting two epi-pens in his pocket. There was an obvious air of nervousness but underneath that was the underlying sense of competence. Something that had Graham sighing in relief, none of the off world stories he’d heard had put the doctor in a good light and having Parrish had been bad enough. He wasn’t ready for another walking target and it didn’t seem like McKay was going to dead weight like he had suspected. Plus, the man had the Major laughing. Definitely a mark in his favor.

In fact, Cadman was laughing too. Parrish had been stiff and for the most part humorless. The man had been polite as hell but he had always held himself back, never really becoming part of the team. Maybe having McKay was going to be a good thing.

“Sergeant.” Graham snapped out of his revere and headed over toward his team.

“Sir.” The Major frowned at him. Huh…

“Doc, this is Sergeant Graham Miller.” The Major and Cadman were watching him like hawks. He wondered what they expected. The Doctor was eyeing him warily and for a moment Graham couldn’t help but wonder exactly how badly the other soldiers treated him.  
He pulled out is best smile and held out his hand. “Doctor McKay, it’ll be a pleasure working with you.” He didn’t know what else to say, and he felt as though this were a test he hadn’t known he needed to take. But when the trio on front of him smiled and McKay shook his hand he knew he’d passed.

“All right than.” Lorne grinned widely. ”Let’s get this show on the road.”

Rodney had been relieved when he found out his first mission on Evan’s team was a cakewalk. It was also to a planet he’d never been to before, so despite that knowledge the mission still held that unknown factor that made him edgy. He was more relaxed than normal though, due largely impart to Evan and Laura, not that he would ‘ever’ tell her that. Their fourth, Miller was quiet, not Ronon quiet but quiet nonetheless.

The world on the other side of the gate was almost fairytale pristine; tall grass, flowers, butterflies, bees and birds darting through the air twittering away in a language only the understood. “This is…”Rodney’s voice trailed off. This was one of the few times in his life where words failed him.

“Gorgeous isn’t it.” Laura piped in as she walked past him and took point. He fell into step with Evan and heard Miller start walking a few paces behind.

Habit had Rodney pulling out his scanner and checking for an energy source. “Hey, Doc, we’ve been here before.”

“Right, yes, you said you come here once a month. Why?” Rodney looked around the village was already visible and he could see nothing that would require repeat visits.

Evan chuckled. “Didn’t you read the report? Aw, Doc, shame on you.” He reached out and patted Rodney on the shoulder. “Spices, a few herbs and today Cadman is going to negotiate for the right to vacation here.”

“Vacation?” Rodney snorted.

“Yeah, cause more often than not there isn’t enough time to go back to Earth and we want other places to go.” Evan shrugged. “This world is right out of a frickin Disney movie, so why not here.” Evan swept his arm out in front of him to emphases his point.

Rodney looked around again and couldn’t think of a single retort. “Ok, I’ll give you that.”

Evan stopped in his tracks, a shit eating grin covered his face. “Wait, are you saying I am right? Cause if you are I need to record this moment for posterity. Seriously if you are this is a monumental moment in history.” He searched his pockets as if looking for something to write on. Laughter spilled over every word and even Cadman looked back to see what was going on.

“Yes, yes I am saying you’re right, but if you don’t drop the subject right now, you will ‘never’ have the chance to be right again.” Rodney tried for glowering, but he couldn’t repress the smile building. He ducked his head and looked down at his scanner to hide it.

Evan smacked him on the back. “You do know we have to celebrate this moment later.” Rodney looked up and the snappy retort died on his lips. There was something about the way Evan was looking at him. There was an intensity in his eyes that Rodney hadn’t seen before. Something skirted the edges of his mind, but Evan’s expression changed to quickly for him to fully read it.

“Blue Jello?” They said in unison. Their laughter bubbled out and had those in the vicinity smiling from the purely happy sound.

A tall proud man walked toward them. Evan quietly told Rodney he was Nedeth the Village mayor. Rodney watched Evan and the man greet each other as Miller walked into the circle. Cadman’s laughter rang out across the square and Rodney relaxed. His new team mates we being greeted with hugs, shoulder slaps every gesture was one of familiarity. As he watched all this a sense of awkwardness flooded through him. This was the type of situation he wasn’t good with. Rodney looked around for a place to fade into the background but Evan called him over with wave and a grin. Taking a deep breath Rodney mentally told himself not to fuck up.

Laura hoisted the bag of goods on her shoulder. They had stayed longer than normal but Rodney had been smiling and laughing. For some reason that she knew she would never figure out why the villagers liked him. Apparently they appreciated bluntness and even found Rodney’s sense of humor…amusing.

Rodney groaned. “Do you eat like this every time you come here?” The food had been delicious but it was sitting in his stomach like a lead brick.

“Yep.” Evan grimaced, he was experiencing similar a discomfort. “Every time I tell myself I’ll avoid the grandal but…” his words trial off in a groan.

Graham laughed as he walked past. “You never learn, do you sir? Cadman and I haven’t touched the stuff since the first time. It tastes like heaven but feels like hell later.”

“Oh, yeah.” Laura pitched in as she dialed the gate. “Although, it did give me a reason to spend time with Carson.”

The gate opened with a whoosh, Rodney punched in his new idc and headed home with his team.

John was watching them from the gate room balcony. Cadman, Miller came through first followed by a smiling and laughing Rodney and Lorne. Nausea rolled through him.

Rodney looked happy. Rodney was standing down there laughing with his new team in away John had never seen him do before. He was the only one suffering here. Rodney was…thriving with the change. He wanted Rodney to suffer as much as he was. Shame snaked its way through him. John was startled a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“I do not think it would be wise for Doctor McKay to see you here watching.” Teyla’s voice and demeanor was soothing yet solemn. “It is good to see him happy, I wish for his return to our team.” John wanted to say something, but he knew Teyla wasn’t finished. “Watching him now I believe he is where he belongs now.” She tugged on his shoulder. “Come, we will find Ronon than help him drag Doctor Zelenka to dinner.”

John turned his face awash with puzzlement. “Huh?”

Teyla shook her head. “Doctor Zelenka likes Ronon and he is…unaware. I thought helping them might be a suitable distraction.”

John shook his head that was definitely not his idea of a distraction. He shrugged his shoulders. “Sure, why not.” At least someone would be happy this way.

~*~

David took a small sample from the fern like planet he’d been studying a few weeks ago. His lab was empty, but he was a solitary person so it had never mattered before. But than the Major had always stopped by to chat, flirt. It had made him uncomfortable, so he’d gone to Elizabeth instead of going to the major. Now he was finding that he missed Lorne’s company.

Not to mention being on his team. Sheppard was deplorable and completely impossible to work with. That man, David shuddered, was abrasive and down right abusive. He was trapped and it was his own fault. David’s entire body shuddered as he sighed. Maybe he would be better off staying in the lab, in fact he was quite sure of it.

~*~

“Hey, Mick, you have any blue jello hanging around?” Evan ducked his head into the kitchen. Rodney had escaped Carson’s evil clutches much sooner than he had, than promptly disappeared. He had an idea it had to do with Sheppard. That moment when they ran into him, Ronon and Teyla in the hall had been more than awkward.

He’d thought things would become less tense than more but… So he had a plan, and it involved their promised celebration. Than he was going to pry after all, you couldn’t spend time with Laura without learning how to do that.

“Yeah, yeah, sure.” Mick pointed over to the cooler. Help yourself, man.” Evan watched the man go back to stacking dishes, grabbed his treat and headed off to find his scientist.

 

Rodney felt like he was being stalked. Since he’d returned this afternoon he’d ran into John at every turn. He felt jittery, like he’d enough espresso for three people to stay awake for a year. He drew in a shaky breath and closed his eyes. Rodney knew what he didn’t want and that was anything to do with John, at least not now and most likely for a long time.

“Hey, I’ve been looking for you.” The deceptively casual tone of Sheppard’s voice flooded the room. Just what he needed.

John watched Rodney freeze up at the sound of his voice. Not good, and not what he wanted at all. “I…ah wanted to talk to you.”

Rodney stood abruptly, he stool scraping back before tipping over. “Maybe I don’t want to talk to you.” He hated how raw John still made him feel. It threw him off his stride, left him searching for things to say and that never happened. Rodney headed toward the door, intending to push past John and leave but John stopped him. Rodney felt his back slam against the wall, knocking the breath out of him.

“Please.” John wasn’t above begging. “God, Rodney I am so…fuck!” John stepped back when he realized how he was holding Rodney. He held his hands up. “Sorry.”

“Say what ever it is you want to say and get out.” Rodney was shaking.

“I want you back on my team.” John knew that wasn’t what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t say what he wanted. He wanted Rodney back. He wanted their friendship, the laughter, the banter and the possibilities that had surrounded them like a cloak.

“Heh.” Rodney shoved John hard enough that his back bumped against a table. “No. You don’t get to play these games. We are adult’s not prepubescent boys dancing around one another clueless as to what one another wants.” Rodney turned away from the broken look on John’s face. I am the emotionally stunted one in this room yet I find I am the only one who can express himself clearly.” He turned back to his former friend. “This is over, you said so yourself, so what I find someone to talk to that isn’t you’re jealous. Did you think that I was totally incapable of having friends.” John wanted to speak, Rodney could see himself starting to but he kept pushing he had to finish this. “I wanted you, to be around you so I ignored everyone. Katie, I don’t know what the hell she was about or why I ‘dated’ her but it was always about you and I can’t, no refuse to be drawn back into your games because you are confused.”

Rodney walked to the door; he didn’t look back even though his heart was still screaming out too. Despite all this, the rejection, the out right cruelty he still cared for John but it was fading slowly.

“Good Bye John.” The door slide shut behind him and he didn’t even care when he heard something shatter against the wall. It was time for him to move on.

 


End file.
